I know I'm not the first one to notice this metaphor, however, I feel it certainly applies to me and my situation with regards to adoption. I feel as though my adoption of a child, or children, will be a beautiful, completed puzzle; at which point we'll start on another challenging puzzle which is learning to live together as a family and deal with special needs. But I've always been told to take things one step at a time, and this time, I'm doing the puzzle one piece at a time.
The first couple pieces of the puzzle, were actually pieces borrowed from others' puzzles. Their stories of adoption, the stories of the children still waiting in orphanages and mental institutions, the videos and photos of children desperately in need of a loving family, which prompted me to open the box and start working on this puzzle. Creating this blog was another piece. Tomorrow, I will add yet another piece.
For years I have struggled with endometriosis, a condition which could make me infertile if not treated properly, and even then can sometimes be a cause for infertility for no discernible reason. To date, I have had two surgeries to remove the endometriosis tissue, and two surgeries to stop internal bleeding following my second surgery. That was in March, and I was hoping it would bring to an end the pain I have been in nonstop for over a year now. It provided some respite, but unfortunately, the pain came back, a little bit at a time, and then all the time. I saw more doctors. I had more tests done. Finally, I decided on a course of action.
Because the exact source of my pain could well be a combination of factors, I opted to have surgery to remove my gallbladder via laparoscopy, and have the doctors excise any endometriosis or adhesions they find while they're in there. In discussion with the surgeon, it was also decided that due to the nature and location of my pain, and its habit of landing me in the emergency room, that it would also be best to remove my appendix. There are currently no signs that anything is wrong with it, but the endometriosis puts me at a higher risk for problems with it, and while I have it, every time I visit the hospital for pain, they have to do a CT scan to rule out appendicitis, which exposes me to a lot of radiation, which can also be harmful to my fertility as well as my overall health.
So, where that puts us, is scheduled for a laparoscopy tomorrow at 10:40 AM. I have to be at the hospital two hours early. In all, the surgery will remove my gallbladder, appendix, and any endometriosis or adhesions that they happen to find. I am going to request to be kept overnight due to my bad reaction to surgery in March. I was so close to being sent home then, they were preparing my discharge papers, when I fainted and my blood pressure plummeted. Had I gone home, I would have likely died. That's not a risk I'm willing to take; I promised a certain 12-year-old that I would not die on her.
Now, as to why this is a piece of my adoption puzzle, there are two reasons. The first is that the endometriosis, repeated surgeries, radiation and adhesions all make it more difficult for me to conceive a child naturally. Since I was 18 I had always known I wanted only one biological child, and after that I would be content to have a hysterectomy to end the effects of the endometriosis. Most recently, I still hold onto that hope that I will be able to have a biological child, and don't intend to consent to a hysterectomy before that happens, unless it becomes clear that it will not happen, but, this disease was one of the first things that opened my heart to adoption. I've always known I wanted many children. Whose genes they have or whose womb they come from is not a matter of great importance to me. When I was first diagnosed, I remember asking God, why me, why THIS particular disease? Why did I, a person who wanted more than anything to be a mom, have to get a disease that could lead to infertility? Couldn't it have been anything else?
But anything else wouldn't be the right piece to fit into my puzzle. Anything else might've prevented me from starting the puzzle in the first place. So now, I feel as though I have an answer to those "Whys" I asked so long ago, and continued to ask for years. God was preparing me for adoption.
The second piece to the puzzle that comes from this surgery is the one that will enable me to be a good mother to my children. Having been in constant pain for a year, I've struggled to maintain a job and family life while faced with such physical health problems, ones which also hurt my heart. It is my hope that this surgery will end the pain, at least for most of the time, and allow me to live a happy, healthy life, pursue a well-paying job in order to pay my bills and save for the future of my family, and of course, attach the other pieces of the puzzle. Getting better, that's the piece of the puzzle I'm working on now.
So it's slow going. It's one step at a time. It's for this reason that I thank God that I was called to adoption at such a young age, so I could prepare myself in every way for His will, without feeling rushed to take immediate action (which I am certainly sorry that I can't do, but by putting this puzzle together, piece by piece, I know I'm getting closer and closer to that goal).
Little ones out there, this surgery is as much for you as it is for me. Dear God, please watch over me and my health as I go into this time of uncertainty, for I feel that truly your work in my life is not finished yet. I have the potential to do so much more good, to reach the state of happiness I've been striving for all my life. And there's a few little kiddos out there who would already miss me if I were gone, so please, God, help me with this piece of the puzzle, so I can continue to work on it and complete Your beautiful work of art.
One piece at a time. Someday, the puzzle will be complete and beautiful, and I will give thanks for all these trials that have led me to this point. Thank you, God, for showing me the "why".
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