Prayers... and Doing It Anyways

I come to you, all of you, any of you, on my knees tonight.  My heart is desperate, though I can't share exactly why.  It concerns my life.  It concerns the lives of people I love more than anything in the world.  Fear threatens to swallow up my hope.  I keep asking myself, can you really do this?  Are you really even changing anything?  And my heart knows I need to press onward, keep going, never give up, but my flesh is weak and I start to doubt.  Doubt myself, doubt God's plan, doubt my choices.

This song comes to mind.  Actually, it makes me cry every time I hear it, because it's this very idea I'm trying to remind myself of when life brings me to my knees.

I need prayers.  Not just for me but for my whole 'patchwork family'.  The people I've 'met' in this adoption community are some of the most prayerful and supportive people I've ever encountered.  I have seen you all rise up in prayer, I have seen God move mountains for the children we all pray for every day.  Perhaps my faith is weak.  The phrase "Faith is not knowing that God can, it is knowing that God will" comes to mind.  I don't think I know that... that God will.  Yes, I know He can.  But how do I know His plan isn't something else?

Maybe, whatever He has planned for us will go forward regardless of our prayers, or anything we say or do.  And then one thinks - why pray?  But I have to believe, I have to believe in a God who loves His people and hears their cries... I have to believe in the power of prayer, because without it, I have nothing left.

Me, I'm praying... and I'm going to keep trying... to do it anyways.

You... your prayers would mean the world to me.

God... I am turning this over to you.  It is too big for me.