Something You May or May Not Know

...about me...

I'm a fixer.

OK, so what does that mean?

It means when something is wrong, when the world is unjust and someone is suffering or struggling, when anyone is sad, sick, or hurting in whatever way... I want to fix it.

And I know I can't, not usually.  Life has been slapping me in the face with that fact over and over and over. But somehow I've never been able to change.  My first impulse when someone tells me something is wrong is 'how do I fix it?'

'Fixing' things isn't always possible, or even the appropriate thing to do.  I know that sometimes all someone needs is a listening ear, a hug, someone to commiserate with.  I know they don't usually expect or even want me to 'fix it'.  But no matter how many times I remind myself of this, it's still my first impulse, and it still drives me absolutely crazy when I can't fix it.

And I'm not like this because I have a misplaced sense of my own importance, or a savior complex, or anything like that, I'm like this just because I hate to see anyone hurting.  Especially people I love - but truly anyone.  Ask a friend or family member who's been around my whole life... I'm that person who finds a 9/11 memorial to go to every single year, that person who holds her own personal candlelight vigil every time tragedy hits too close to home.  I do those things because whatever has happened... I can't fix it... but in some way, I feel like recognizing it... remembering... is the least I can do.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" people have asked me on occasion.  My answer:  Because it hurts more not to.  It tears me up for something bad to happen and me to just go on like nothing did.

But sometimes I mess up.  Royally.  Sometimes, when a friend or acquaintance really just needs a listening ear, someone to simply hear what they're saying and how they're feeling, I still find myself trying to fix it, without realizing that no one asked me to.  This was actually the impetus that set off the biggest fight I ever had with a friend in high school.  There were other things going on, but that particular day, someone she loved was in the hospital, and there I was again, offering to do this or that, trying to "fix" things, when she finally told me that no, there was nothing I could do, and to please stop asking.  At sixteen, with much less self-awareness than I have now, I didn't take it well and it set off a whole chain of events that led to me not speaking to someone who was very important to me for a number of years.  I thank God today that this person is back in my life and we understand these things about each other; she understands that it's my kneejerk reaction to try to fix things, and I understand how to read the subtle cues that she doesn't expect me to.

I still do this.  All the time.  Usually I realize it later, but probably not until I've totally annoyed someone.  If that person has ever been you, I want to apologize.  Sometimes I'm just no good at social situations, and this is one of my biggest issues.  Heck - even when someone outright says they just need me to listen, I mess it up, because in my mind I'm trying to figure out if they really mean it, or if they're just saying that... and then I end up driving people crazy because I'm still trying to fix something they already told me I didn't need to fix!  Just please know that it is never my intention to offend - I'm just dealing with things the only way I know how.  And I don't know how to feel helpless.  I'm no good at it.  I hate seeing anyone hurting, and so even if there's nothing I can do, I'll sit around racking my brain for ways to make things just a little bit easier.

If you think about it, you can see the evidence yourself.  If you've been reading this blog a while, or my other one, you might remember how I commented that after discovering the plight of orphans with special needs around the world in December 2011, I barely slept for two months.  Why?  Simple - I was up, day and night, torturing myself, trying to figure out how on earth I could help... fix... something going on halfway across the world!  It was only when I found an outlet for that need (advocacy) that I was able to rest easy again.  At least I was doing something.  Unfortunately, I find myself in a similar state of disequilibrium anytime something is wrong for anyone I even know... which leads to that whole foot-in-mouth chain of events I mentioned earlier.

I'm only sharing this because it's been on my mind a lot lately - I've noticed myself doing it, and I've wanted to apologize, and to help those around me understand why I tend to make idiotic social blunders, but I didn't know how... so this is both my apology and my explanation.

And there's something you may or may not have known about me... but you do now!