Dying Eggs

Dear Princess,

It's Easter today, and I remembered this when we were dying eggs a couple days ago, so I thought now would be the perfect time to share a memory of dying eggs with you!

It was your first year doing it, you were almost three, sitting in your booster chair at the table with me, my mom, M, and my brother.  I remember thinking I was going to have to keep a close eye on you to prevent spills, among other things - you weren't exactly the tidiest kid - but I failed to take into account just how quickly you could create havoc!

So we're sitting there dying eggs, I've got one in a cup, and I've got one in a cup for you, that I keep using the spoon to pull out to show you how the color is getting darker.  It's sitting on your booster tray so you can reach it, just in case you should manage to figure out how to lift it up with the spoon.  I had to pull your fingers out of the dye a couple times but that was no big deal - we knew we'd wind up somewhat colorful.  You almost picked up the cup and spilled it once, but once I corrected you and showed you how to look at your egg, you mostly just fiddled with the spoon and tapped me on the shoulder to show you your egg.

It was when I was taking your egg, and mine, out of the dye that craziness broke loose.  I had taken your egg out but left the cup of dye on your tray, and had my back turned to you arranging the eggs on the drying rack.  Now, see, we dye eggs in plastic drink cups every year, like we use for parties, just each with a different color of dye in them.  It's cheaper and easier than trying to find some sort of special cup intended for egg dying.  Unfortunately, what I didn't take into account was how confusing this might be for a two year old.  When I turned around, there you were with the plastic cup up to your mouth, having a good old drink of what I'm sure you thought was very pretty kool-aid.

I could've just died!  I thought we were in the clear, you were doing so good, and then I turn around and you're drinking the dye!  I couldn't get it away from you fast enough (and once you tasted it I'm pretty sure you realized it was most certainly NOT kool-aid... vinegar is not the tastiest substance on the planet)... and after that, I kept your cup and egg on the table, out of reach, while I showed you how the egg changed colors.  Once your blue mouth was cleaned, we all had a laugh about your antics and how I'd have to tell you about this when you were older.  I knew you'd get the hang of this egg dying thing eventually, and until then, it made for a fun story to tell!

Love you forever,
Katie

Look Back and Laugh

Dear Princess,

The memory I'm going to share with you tonight is not one that was particularly fun or special when it happened, but looking back, it's just a reminder of a silly little mishap, the kind we all have as children, that makes me laugh.

You were only two, I remember because you were still in that old, horrible car seat I bought at a yard sale before I knew better.  It was the middle of winter, shortly after M started coming over and we started spending more time than ever in the car between people's houses and schools.  One day, on the way to either your grandparents' house or my school, I can't remember, I fixed you a yellow sippy cup (one like I used growing up, the simple kind with no 'filter' that aren't really spillproof) full of milk before settling you in your car seat.  I gave it to you while I drove, but at some point along the way you threw it, and I must not have been paying close enough attention, because if I noticed, I forgot by the time we reached our destination.

We went and did what we needed to do, then drove home, sippy cup forgotten and wedged between your car seat and a spare infant seat in the back of my car... upside down.  It was not until the first warm day of the winter season (you know, the unseasonably warm one when you think spring is finally coming, and then it snows again the next day?) that I took the car over to the car wash, pulled all the car seats out and cleaned everything out to vacuum...

That was when I found the drained, upside down yellow sippy cup on the back seat... surrounded by a molding stain on the seat... smelling so bad that I nearly threw up.  I wasn't mad, I just laughed and rolled my eyes, thinking, 'ah, yes, there are certainly children in my life!'  I pulled the cup out gingerly with tissues, then used the upholstery shampooer on the car vacuum for the mold spot... continued cleaning out the car... but the smell lingered.  I kept all the windows open as I drove home.  And of course, like it always does, it got freezing cold again within a couple of days, so the windows in the car had to be left up, the heat turned on... no chance for that spoiled milk smell to dissipate out the windows.  For the first time ever, I actually put an air freshener in the car, but we could still smell it until finally the weather warmed up for good and allowed us to drive around with the windows open.

And from that day forward, I remembered to only give you water in the car!

Love you forever,
Katie

The Wheels on the Bus

Dear Princess,

You've known the song since you were two, before you could even sing the words.  It was your favorite.  You liked it better than Old MacDonald, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Happy and You Know It... everything.  You loved for me to sing it in the car (but if I tried to sing the ABC's, you'd get so mad and cry!), so when you were having a rough day and fussing in the car, I would always start singing Wheels on the Bus.

One day, I remember we needed to go somewhere and you were really feeling terrible.  I was trying to get the trip in quickly without upsetting you too much by singing the whole time... but I soon found that the Wheels on the Bus song just wasn't long enough to last the whole way!  Afraid if I stopped singing or started over you'd get upset, I thought fast and came up with some more things to add to the bus.  First it was dogs and cats, and I thought, that's not too far fetched - some people might take pets on the bus.  But we still weren't there... so I decided to take a leaf out of Old MacDonald's book... and soon there were cows, pigs, ducks, horses and chickens on our bus!  You were so little that you didn't realize how silly it was, you were happy as long as I kept singing, but I remember silently laughing to myself about our crazy bus.  On the way home, we sang again, complete with our whole farm full of animals.

Another day, you and I were both in good moods and we were just being silly, so as we drove along, instead of doing the motions, I made the car do them!  When we got to 'the windows on the bus', I put the car windows up and down.  I turned the wipers on, I honked the horn, I flashed the lights, I jingled the money in the money compartment, and then finally as we were getting close to home, I detoured into an elementary school parking lot so I could stop the car and do the doors going open and shut.  Then as we drove into the driveway, we bounced up and down together singing about the kids on the bus, and you just laughed and laughed - you thought it was so funny that I was really making OUR 'bus' do all those things!

To this day, that song makes me think of you, and I'm always telling people about our silly farm bus, or our fun car-bus, or just how much you loved that song.  Another one of those simple little things that became so much fun just by doing it with you.

Love you forever,

Katie

Hide the Elephant

Dear Princess,

The full story of your Ellfant is elsewhere on this blog - here to be exact, but there's a fun little bit that I just realized I left out that I want to recount for you tonight.  I decided it fit, because as promised all those years ago, I'm hugging your Ellfant tonight and thinking of you... extra hard, in fact, because I'm really missing you tonight.

A day or two after you 'adopted' Ellfant (you were six), I had the day off work, so you had the day off from daycare, and it was pouring down rain.  We usually tried to spend our days off together doing something extra fun, but that day, going anywhere was out of the question.  After a lazy breakfast, we sat down and tried to think up things to do.  You would've been happy to play any one of your million games... Chutes and Ladders... Candy Land... but I was getting oh-so-sick of those games.  I thought back to my own childhood and tried to think of a different game we could play, something I might actually enjoy.  You suggested Hide-and-Seek... but I protested that I was too big to really hide anywhere.  Then I had an idea.

One of the things I used to do growing up was hide one of my many stuffed animals with my mom, and take turns finding it.  So I told you that I had a NEW hide and go seek game that we could play, and that Ellfant (who you were dragging around the house with you) could play too.  You were excited as I explained that it was called "Hide the Elephant", and we would take turns counting while the other person hid the elephant, since he was small and could fit lots of places that neither one of us could.  Then the other person would find him, and it would be her turn.

You were eager to go first, so I let you - but you didn't quite have the hang of it yet.  You 'hid' Ellfant somewhere in plain sight and I found him right away.  When it was my turn, I hid him a little tougher - behind a pillow, with just the tip of his trunk sticking out for you to notice.  After proclaiming that it was impossible for a couple minutes, you found him and laughed with joy, and then caught on immediately.  Soon it was as hard for me to detect your hiding places as it was for you to locate mine!  Soon, we were purposely picking the silliest places to hide the elephant, or hiding him in a funny pose, like standing on his head, then dissolving into giggles when we found him.

Our elephant-hiding locations also got harder and harder until at one point you got frustrated and wanted to give up.  That was when I taught you the second game - the Warmer-Colder game.  As you walked around looking for the little stuffed animal, I'd tell you 'warmer, warm, hot, burning!" the closer you got to him, and "cold... colder, freezing, you're an ice cube!" when you were far away.  This eased your frustration and you thought it was hilarious, and play went on for hours.

"Hide The Elephant" became a favorite game of yours and you wanted to play on all our days off, in our free time, with my mom and M... when you wanted to play, you'd come to me with Ellfant in your arms and say "Katie, can we play Ellfant Hide an' Go Seek?"  It was precious and I could hardly say no... in fact, I have a big cheesy grin on my face right now remembering your sweet little requests.  It was just one more simple little thing that doing with you turned into an extraordinary memory.

Love you forever,

Katie

Kidney Stones

Dear Princess,

I just realized tonight that I hadn't posted in a while - because I've been so preoccupied by what's going on in my life - I just had the first of two surgeries for kidney stones last week and I've really been hurting a lot, it was hard to think about much else, although of course I'm always thinking of you!  Current events have also reminded me of another sweet memory of you though, the one I'm going to share tonight.

You were almost seven - oh so very close - your birthday was just a couple weeks away.  M's birthday party had been the previous night and you had both spent the night at my house.  In the morning, as I drove M home, I started to feel a pain in my side while we were in the car.  I knew what it was right away, because I had had them before.  I was in for a good day or so of painfully passing a kidney stone.

I knew it was going to be impossible to care for your baby brother while this was going on, but I'd promised you a fun day since you'd struggled a bit the previous day with all the attention being on M, and I didn't want to let you down.  So your grandparents took AJ, who was only about six months old, for us.  Then I took some medicine to help me with my pain, laid some blankets and pillows on the couch, pulled out some toys, turned on a movie, and settled the two of us in down in the family room.

First we watched Nemo.  Then we both fell asleep for a little while.  When we woke up I took some more medicine and you came over and sat next to the couch where I laid on my belly so that we could do puzzles and play games together.  We put together all the big wooden puzzles, even the United States one, and played Don't Break The Ice a few times.  Then when I needed to rest again, you sat on a bedsheet and played with play-doh.  My mom brought us dinner and we ate while we watched Noggin and talked.  After dinner, we read a couple books.  You played with some of your toys.  I watched you and smiled.  Your happiness did more for my misery than any pill could have.

Only maybe twice all day did I have to use a stern voice with you at all.  Then I would remind you that Katie didn't feel good and I really needed you to have good choices and use your listening ears.  You would shape right up after that.  When it was your bedtime, I had my mom come and get you to put you to bed - give you a bath and read your stories and everything.  You came back downstairs to hug me after your bath at my request, and then you fussed a little bit because you wanted me to put you to bed.  But when I explained why I couldn't and gave you lots of hugs and kisses to make up for it, and promised that my mom was the best story reader ever, you went off to your room cheerfully.

As I lay on the couch that night after you had gone to sleep, I remember thinking how impressed I was with you that day.  You had understood that I was not feeling well and that I needed your best behavior, and that as long as I had it, we could still have fun.  Because of your cooperation and understanding, a day that could've been a big let down, just lying around, turned into a special day of lying around and just enjoying each other's company.  It's one of the best memories I have.  I appreciated then, as I do now, your sympathy and kindness toward me even though I couldn't do as many fun and exciting things as I'm sure you'd hoped... and your ability to make your own fun.  That's a special quality - especially when you're only six!

Love you forever,

Katie

Puddle Walk

Dear Princess,

I don't have a picture for this one - if I had, it would've been rather soggy.  This memory of you takes place on a rainy day when you were about three.  It was mid-May, shortly after your birthday party, after I'd promised myself that I was going to do everything I could to give you every possible moment of joy.  You, me and M were all at my house.  We'd played every game (Don't Break The Ice was your favorite, except that you seemed to think that the goal was to break the ice!) and you girls were getting antsy, we all wanted to go outside on the warm day, but a steady rain made it seem impossible.

Then I had an idea - something I'd read in a magazine once.  I dressed you girls in old clothes and old shoes.  Then I told you we were going for a walk.  I remember M looking at me like I was crazy, because it was raining.  I told her, "Yup, we're going for a walk in the rain, and we're going to stomp in all the puddles and get really wet and it's going to be really fun."  Then she was excited.  I was a little nervous about how you would handle it at first - there had been a time when you'd cry if a drop of rain touched your head... but our enthusiasm must've been contagious because we were barely down the block before you were laughing and splashing along more than anyone else.

I held your hand and showed you to the deepest puddles (you seemed to just want to hop everywhere!) and we jumped in them together, got each other soaked, and laughed and laughed.  You thought it was so funny when I jumped in puddles and got all wet.  When we crossed the street, we stopped and stood in the running water of the storm drain, letting it wash over our feet through our shoes and giggling.

I didn't tell you two where we were going, but I knew.  After a while, we approached the playground near my house, and you gave a little squeal when you saw it and looked up at me.  I nodded and then told you both "Now we can play at the park, and go down all the wet slides, and swing on the wet swings, and jump in the really big puddles here."  And we did.  First we jumped in all the puddles in the play yard, which were deeper than the ones near our house - our splashes went high enough to get my face wet!  Then we sat on the swings and drug our feet through the water that had pooled underneath them.  Then we started for the slides.  I went first down the big silver slide and zoomed so fast that I landed on my tailbone on the ground!  It hurt a little but I just laughed for your benefit and got up.  So much water had slopped off with me that I knew your ride would be a little slower.  Still, I waited to catch you at the bottom.

When we went to the second side of the playground, you and M sat at the top of the twin orange slides to race down.  They were bumpy slides so I thought you'd go slower than I had on the first slide.  But I underestimated how fast your tiny body could go, and you too landed with a bump at the bottom.  It made you cry, so I scooped you up and gave you a hug and told you it was okay until you were squirming to get down and chase after M again.  After that, I went down all the slides before you.  You still went extra fast on that wet little bottom, but not so fast that you got hurt.

When we were tired and had gone down all the slides and stomped in all the puddles, we started for home.  When we got there, we stripped off our shoes and socks on the porch, and I stripped you down to your diaper (which was sopping) before going inside.  Once inside you were cold and shivering, so I ran you a warm bath and plopped you in it, where you giggled and splashed like a little fish.  We ended the day worn out and more than a little wet, but we couldn't have been happier.

Love you forever,
Katie

Handprints

Dear Princess,

I have two pictures on my computer of us in these shirts, but I posted this one because we were being silly, and silly pictures were always your favorite.  The date on this is wrong... it was actually October, and you were five.  We made these shirts on the front porch that day - yours is covered in your handprints, M's is covered in her handprints, and mine is covered in both of your handprints.  I also had you guys help me make a canvas bag with both of your handprints - and I still have both the bag and the shirt.

We poured the fabric paint out on paper plates and had you put your hands in it, then on the shirts.  It was so hard to get you, in particular, to just go from plate to shirt, then rinse your hand off in the water.  You wanted to touch EVERYTHING!  In fact, there's a little pink spot on the corner of my shirt because you just  couldn't wait to touch it.  But that was okay, because those little imperfections were what made the finished product so perfect.  It was a reminder of how much fun we had being messy and silly and not worrying about the little things.  M actually put a big blue handprint on the front porch, which I thought would wash off in the rain and weather, but here we are four and a half years later, and there's still a little blue 9-year-old M handprint on my front porch!  I smile every time I see it - and I wish you'd slipped up and left a handprint there too.

After they dried (which you were so impatient for) we took all our pictures in them.  I can't count how many of these pictures I actually took... someone was always looking away, being silly, we couldn't get it right.  Finally we got a nice one of all of us smiling, so we cut loose and did a silly one.  Again, your favorite.  You were at this stage where you liked to put your fingers in the air like that when you were posing and stick your tongue out - I have so many pictures of you in this same pose.  Such a funny girl.

I sent your shirt home with you.  I don't have it now, I wish I did.  I don't know what happened to it.  But I still have your little handprints.  I'll always have that handprint covered bag and that shirt, even though I've mended the bag by hand more than once... and they'll always be a memory, a moment caught in time, of the little hands that made them.

Love you forever,
Katie

Snow

Dear Princess,

This is you, four years old, playing outside in the snow with me and M.  It was already dark, my mom wasn't feeling good that day and she was lying down on the couch, so I took you girls outside even though it was dark to give her some peace and quiet and still let you have fun and be kids.  I had just bought those snow pants at Once Upon A Child so we could play in the snow more often that year.  You can't see them, but you also had on Dora boots that I got at Kmart, which you loved, you walked around saying "Dowa-boots" so proudly.  I really wanted to buy the butterfly ones, but you had to have your "Dowa-boots".

Out in the snow, you were so shy at first.  Stood by the bushes looking really uncertain about the whole snow thing.  You had a really fun time brushing the snow off the bushes and laughing as it fell, while M made snowballs to throw at me (I asked her not to throw them at you, you were a sensitive little girl and I thought you might be upset).

When you saw M lay down in the snow to make a snow angel, I think you thought she was crazy at first.  Then I did it too, and we laughed because no matter how hard we try, we ALWAYS step on our snow angels getting up.  You decided you wanted to join in the fun... but what I think you didn't quite remember clearly from the previous winter, was that... well, snow is cold.  The mittens you're wearing belonged to my brother when he was little, I put them on you because they were waterproof.  But I didn't count on that one thing.  You know how when you're wearing a coat and gloves, if you bend your wrist a certain way, there's that little sliver of skin that's exposed?  I tried to put your coat on over your mittens so that wouldn't happen, but when you laid down to make your snow angel, I could see that I failed.

You weren't upset yet, so I helped you make your angel.  You didn't quite understand how to move your arms and legs just right, so I stood over you and helped move them for you until you got the hang of it.  I snapped pictures with difficulty through my own thick gloves.  Then, almost out of nowhere you started to cry.  And I looked down and there was snow wedged in that little spot between mitten and coat.  You wouldn't get up, I had to awkwardly pick you up in that puffy snowsuit to comfort you.  We had been having fun, I didn't want to go in, so I took my own gloves off and tried to re-situate your coat and mitten... and you were happy with that for a while, but then after a few minutes of making snowballs with M (and throwing them at me!  What ever happened to not ganging up on somebody, huh?  <3 ), you were whimpering again with snow in your mitten and I couldn't get it out.

This time, I hoisted you up on my hip and we went inside.  I made a mental note to get you some better mittens.  We took off all our snow gear on the towels in front of the door, like always, and then you and M played (very quietly and peacefully) while I stirred up a pot of hot chocolate.  You always loved marshmellows in yours, so many of them that I had to get the bag out multiple times.  We all sat and warmed up drinking hot chocolate, traumatic snow-in-mitten incident forgotten, and outside in the yard were three unique, even if not perfect, snow angels.

Love you forever,
Katie

A New Thing

Okay, so much for creative titles... but I'm starting a new thing.  Eventually it will migrate to a blog that is currently private and will be made public once I sort some things out, but for now it's here. 

I'm going to continue this blog and my adoption blog as normal.  This one is a bit of a hodgepodge, just life, etc.  I'm going to continue to tell A's and my story here.  But the 'new' (or rather, newly public) blog will ultimately be for A, somewhere down the line when she's a grown-up.  Since things went bad with her biological family last summer, I've been writing her letters to read 'someday' every now and then.  But they're as hard to write as the story itself, especially since I don't know where we'll be in our lives when she gets to read them, I don't know what to say.  So I'm changing the tune a little and making 'Letters To My Princess' public.  Every day (hopefully), I'm going to write a post and share a memory of something we did together over the past few years.  Just little glimpses into our happy moments that I want her to remember.  I feel like these will be easier to write and less emotionally draining because they will allow me to focus on the happy times... and they'll be entertaining for her at any age. 

The reason I'm making it a public blog is because I've found that by and large, people don't understand our situation and our relationship, because this sort of 'almost-not-quite-unofficial-foster-care' thing is not exactly common.  I'm hoping that in sharing the little things that brought us joy you will catch a glimpse into our lives, what made us who we are, and maybe even remind you to spend a little extra time with your little ones today (yes, there must be a FOURTH game of Candy Land)... because what I wouldn't give to be able to go back and spend a little more time with mine.  To live out those days... even the embarassing moments that turned me red in the face... one more time.

As I said, after I figure out how to do it, these will be on a seperate blog.  I'll post a link when that happens.  Until then, they're here.  Starting now:

Dear Princess,

Remember this day?  This is you on your 7th birthday, adopting your baby doll at the 'doll house' that we had to drive nearly an hour to get to.  You quite aptly named her 'Princess'.  You were wearing matching dresses, which you were just over the moon about.  That day, we got up in the morning, got dressed, I let you buckle Princess into your baby brother's car seat since my mom was keeping him for us that day, and we drove to the big doll house.  I had to take you there because it was the only place that both sold the dolls and let kids go through the 'adoption process'. 

When we got there, the lady helped you weigh and measure your baby, asked you her name and your name, and wrote it all down on a 'Birth Certificate'.  She complimented your matching dresses and wished you a happy birthday.  Then she had you sit down on this chair to take pictures of 'Mom' and baby.  We took like four shots, plus me in the background with my cell phone - you just looked so cute.  You were so shy at first.  Looking at the picture, maybe you can't tell, but I know you... and I can see how shy you were feeling in your posture.  That didn't last long though.  After pictures were taken, they brought out the official doll house stroller, which had a sign on it that said "Newly adopted" or something like that, and you put your baby in it and we trekked around the corner to the bakery where you were supposed to get a congratulatory cookie.  When you told the woman at the bakery that it was your birthday, and she saw you and Princess in your matching dresses, just looking too cute to be real, she instead gave you three cookies!  You ate one right then and we saved the other two.  On the way home, you let me have one and you ate the other 'for Princess'. 

We marched back through the windy day to the doll house and they gave you Princess's 'Diaper Bag', which contained some goodies for you and for baby - hair clips, pencils, candies, a sticker that said "It's A Girl!"... and a little cardboard frame with a picture of you and your baby in it.  Then we had to hurry home to set up for your 7th birthday party.  You buckled Princess back into her car seat (you told me that you wanted to hold her but you 'just really wanted her to be safe') and you were asleep (probably a sugar buzz) by the time we got home. 

And who'd have thought you'd complete your first adoption at the ripe old age of seven?  ;)

Love you forever,
Katie