Empty

That's how this week feels.  Empty.  And it's the most horrible feeling.

Once upon a time, I used a camera with film.  Once upon a time waaaay back in 2007 ;)  So one year is missing.  Three.  Although, actually, I do have this random picture from a little later that year...

Three

But since then...

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight isn't here... a miracle was busy unfolding... but here's a little girl who dressed herself a few weeks later...

Pardon my messy apartment.

Nine

...



This is ten.

Ten

We're having cake... but there won't be anybody to blow out the candles.  (But you better bet I'm going to make a wish!)

Nobody to open every present, even the ones that are clothes, and exclaim, "OH, THANK YOU!  I JUST DID WANT THIS!"

Nobody to model all those new outfits like she's destined for the catwalk.

There's a hole.

An hole that was left in my heart the last time I saw her... that will never be filled without her.  Not just some kid.  Her.  One of a kind.  My A.  The little girl who could light up any room, and yet still manage to throw the most royal temper tantrums.

That's what I feel this year.  A hole.  An empty hole.  An empty chair.  An empty bed.  My empty arms.

In everything I do, in every moment... empty.

I would give anything to make it different.

Happy tenth birthday, princess.  We'll celebrate... someday.