Dear Princess,
Tonight, I'm missing you, and I'm thinking not about any specific memory, but rather just the normal days, the ones we lived all the time... together. So tonight I'm going to tell you about those... just in case you've forgotten.
For years, you spent nights here more often than not. I moved my bedroom around to fit a second bed in it for you. When your baby brother was born, I put a cosleeper next to my bed for him. It was tight, but we were okay.
Every morning, I'd wake up very early - in the dark, I'd creep out of our room and get dressed in the hallway in the clothes I set out the night before. I'd pack your lunch for school, pack up my things for college (for the years I attended), get breakfast ready for you and your brother if he was with us, and then wake you up. You'd always wake up sleepy-eyed and slow moving, so I'd help you change into your clothes for the day and tell you things to make you laugh, things we said every day... then once you were dressed I'd tell you how pretty you were and we'd go downstairs. I brushed your hair while you ate breakfast, got your brother dressed and fed if he was with us, then we went upstairs to brush your teeth. Once you were ready to go, I'd pack us all up, load us into the car, you safely buckled up in your harness or your booster seat, and we'd head for your school.
I know they didn't like it, but I preferred to walk you into school, if not to your classroom at least to the door. Not until you were in second grade did I get used to just dropping you off. I hated turning you over to strangers, even though you loved school and you (usually) wanted to go). When I left your school, I'd drop your brother off if I had school or work that day, or if not, go back home to spend time with him. I always missed you on those days, I wished I could have my big girl home with me too.
I loved picking you up from school. Sometimes I had to send my mom to do it, but I always preferred to do it myself. I loved seeing the big grin on your face after your school day and seeing you come running toward me down the hall. I loved looking in your backpack and seeing the latest schoolwork and art that came home with you. I loved seeing you say goodbye to your friends... it was like a little glimpse into the individual you were becoming when you were with your peers. I loved to have a snack waiting for you in the car (even though it came at the expense of my upholstery).
After school, we'd head home, finish snacks, and then spend some time playing. Outside, if it was nice. You always wanted to play outside. While I was in college, I'd read textbooks while I watched you play. Once I was finally out of college, I was free to just play with you. On days when it wasn't nice enough to go outside, you'd pick the activity. Coloring, playing a game, watching a show, playing with your babies, reading books, whatever. Mostly you liked to follow me or my mom around the house and help with whatever we were doing.
When your little break was over, I'd direct you to the counter to do some homework. When I was in college, I'd get my own homework out to work on it right next to you. After that, I just focused on helping you. I dug out all the manipulatives and things we kept from my and my brother's school years to help you learn. I loved seeing the lightbulb come on and watching you get better and better at skills you used to struggle with.
By the time we were done, it was usually time for dinner. You were picky, and sometimes it was a battle to get you to at least try everything, but other times, when we were eating something you particularly adored, your mealtime enthusiasm was enchanting. I still cut up your bites for you, although you were starting to get the hang of it in the last year or so. You still liked me to do it, and I didn't usually mind, as long as you asked nicely! Before we ate, you would always remind us to say the prayer, and more often than not, you were the one to say it. You said the prayer my family has always said before mealtimes, but you always added your own unique twist:
"God is Great
God is Good
And we thank Him
For our food
And thank you for Carol, and Katie, and McKenzie, and Danny, and the cats, and my friends like Jordan and Ava and Hannah... and my Mamaw and Papaw and my other Papaw and my mommy and daddy and my puppy dog and baby brother and... I think that's it. Amen."
You were the best pray-er in the family, for sure.
After dinner was usually a little bit of playtime, then baths. When you were littler you needed a lot of help so I'd give you your bath, then wrap you up in a towel and pick you up and sing "Hush Little Baby" to you. Then you got too big for that, so I took to sitting on my laptop outside the bathroom while you took your bath (so I could help you with your long hair when you called me), and then reach the towel for you when you were done. Even though you were bigger, I'd still wrap you up in it, then give you a hug. If you were feeling sad, I'd even sing. I'd brush your hair out, and you'd always tell me how you liked it when I brushed your hair because it didn't pull too much, but then you'd go "ow!" because I hit a tangle. You'd get your pajamas on, we'd brush your teeth (I took a turn, then you took a turn... until you showed me that you could do just as good a job on your own!) and then it was your favorite part of 'bedtime'.
Invariably, I'd say "Okay, go pick a book!" and you'd run off to your/our room, spend ages choosing just the perfect book you wanted to read that night... I'd pick a book too... and I'd remind you that God always picked the Bible. We read your book first. Sometimes you preferred to do a page out of an I Spy book. Then we'd read my book, which was always one of a select few with a "Goodnight, I love you" sort of message (my all time favorite being "I Love You, Goodnight" - the book that ends with "I love you like the moon at night.. big and round and warm and bright. I love you, goodnight," and the one that made you laugh at the page that said "I love you like frogs love flies", that you eventually memorized and read along with me), and finally we'd read a story from your children's Bible and maybe talk about it a little. Then I'd give you hugs and kisses and your Ellfant, turn on the TV channel that was just a bulletin board and music (before I could afford a night light), and either go to bed myself or leave the room until you were asleep.
Sometimes you talked in your sleep. Every once in a while you cried in your sleep. I always heard you. When you were there, I sort of slept with one eye open... listening... waiting... in case you needed me. If I heard you sounding upset, I'd just come sit on your bed and stroke your hair and talk soothingly to you until you calmed down. You'd never even wake up. Then I'd go back to bed and wait until morning when I could give you a good, big hug again.
I miss those days, Princess. Even the ones when you didn't eat your vegetables and I had to put them in the refrigerator for the next time you told me you were hungry. Because any day with one of your hugs in it, was a good day. We didn't have to do anything extraordinary to be happy together... we just were. And one day we will be again. For now... well, it's not the same as hugging you, but you'd better bet I'm huggin' your Ellfant and thinking of you... just like I promised.
Love you forever,
"Kai"
